Got Agency?

noun: agency; plural noun: agencies

1. a business or organization established to provide a particular service, typically one that involves organizing transactions between two other parties. “an advertising agency”

2. action or intervention, especially such as to produce a particular effect. “canals carved by the agency of running water”

(More the second definition than the first.)

It’s been a while since I last sat down to type out my thoughts. Ever since I lost my steady regimen of administrative detail with a local arts organization, I have been trying to better articulate issues that I continue to stumble over with my workmates, my contemporaries and always, my students. But I’ve been busy trying to make sense of systems that are already in place around me — why is it I don’t always have the right thing to share or relate? I’m constantly digging down to the bottom of a conversation, working to cultivate the good color , the little nudges in thinking and acting that bring better tasting fruit — within the work place, the class room and yes, sometimes even in the bedrooom.

Lately, I’ve been tossing around ideas that substantiate the cause of our greater dilemma, as humans. Are you joyful with gratitude? Are you satisfied with life and love? Are you connected to yourself and others in a way that brings excitement with each new day? If you don’t know what I’m talking about — perhaps you too have fallen victim to the great challenge of our lifetime. You’ve forgotten why you’ve come to the party or perhaps you’ve given up and have chosen not to show up at all. I beg you to listen.

The rate of suicide is the highest it’s ever been. Why is this? There are a number of factors we can take into consideration, but in essence, this phenomena is not exclusive to demographic, age or culture. I believe it is because of an inward deficit; in our thought processes, our decisive personal actions and the results they bring — within and without. In this world of material wealth and the constant assignment of merit- we are not taught to give introspection value or merit. In reality, introspection is the one process that when honored, brings true happiness and ease to our personal and shared lives.

Perhaps the symptoms of depression and apathy are indicative of something missing from the spectrum of intention, as opposed to something won or achieved. We work hard to learn and grow, to connect with others — comparing our shared goals. We strive to attain what we desire, or what we think we desire, but who sets that desire in motion? Does the desire indicate a need or a want? Many of us are driven by necessity; to shelter and feed our children, to advocate for those that can not do so for themselves, or simply and sadly to bend to the will of others in order to survive. We’ve come a long way, and yet we are still dissatisfied — so dissatisfied, that we make seemingly unreasonable and illogical choices when it comes to our selves and our well-being. Why? What exactly are we missing?

We may be missing a key factor in the equation for happiness. We may lack true intention. We lack the creation of a reasonable expectation. We lack agency. When it comes to science and numbers, things are pretty comfortable — cut and dry. We can expect certain outcomes when given a number of variables, but all too often we exclude the human variable. Humans are amazing beings, but we are not without flaw or unexpected potential. We are human. We are an ongoing work in progress. We need constant recognition, love and support. We need social acceptance — which includes a recognition of our shared environment- and fulfillment of personal goals that align with our shared recognition. It’s complicated, and yet, if we are able to honor all of these things — almost systematically — we can find a modicum of happiness and satisfaction of our base desire, a sense of connectedness and greater ease in our daily lives.

So is this what we truly intend? Or is it something other? Are we so fed up with the systems in place around us that we become overwhelmed with conventional modes of seeking happiness and connectedness — that we disconnect and adopt an attitude of defeatism? You can not argue that our “hyper connected” technologies often have that adverse effect on that part of our brains — that part that brings satisfaction in real connection. The internet makes the act of dis-connecting insidiously easy. So easy, that the newer generations may lack the capacity to even recognize the very human necessity to connect. This places humans on a different rung of reality. Do we even have the capacity to understand what our truest intentions are? If we began to think about it — would we be happy or even remotely satisfied to learn of what they may be?

Let’s define satisfaction. Are you ready? What does it mean to you? What steps are necessary to achieve it? Do you have the capacity to find it-even occasionally? Because beneath the pile of discontent, disease or dysfunction, there is almost always a misguided intention. This is the power and fearless wrath of true intention. Fearless wrath, you say? Many times we are unhappy with what is uncovered, because the truth is — sometimes — not what we anticipated. Truth is not always a pretty and welcome thing. If we examine our lives and begin to place real value on the process of finding happiness and cultivating ease and better connectedness, we begin to understand the importance of our thoughts and the true potential of our actions. Thus the vicious cycle that brings us back to better understanding our truest intention. Why would we even put time and energy toward defining these things if we are afraid of the truth — or worse, do not place value on the process or the fruits of true self discovery.

So what can we do in order to place importance on what is truly important to us. How can we hang onto these thoughts in an overwhelming storm of contrary thoughts and actions in our day to day lives? First, we should practice finding a space to set intention. And I don’t mean a studio, an office or a church — I mean a space within yourself, to spend time clearing and listening to what is there. Do you place value on this process? Do you find your truest intention in these times and spaces? What would these things be?

These are the personal values and intentions every young person should have a firm grip on as they pass from adolescence into maturity. If a person is not afforded the opportunity to discover these intentions for themselves, they are usually forced to live a life of imposed intention and are subject to losing their sense of identity in the rush to accomplish a falsely perceived, shared goal or intention. This is the treachery of enablement or a forced need to belong or deliver intended results. Too often social systems fail in their efforts to stay true to original intention because numbers dictate growth, success and merit. There are too many of us searching and unconsciously doing and not enough of us finding and intentionally acting. It is not a crime to retract from social groups to regroup and reassess. The act of personal investment is an integral aspect of any healthy and functioning society. How and where you do it is not important, it’s that YOU DO IT — for no one but YOURSELF. I have developed a method for myself, through trial and error over the years- in an effort to validate and support the suffering human that still resided within me.

If these things of truest intention are not realized and given intrinsic value, they will forever be lost in a cycle of misguided intention and an unending need to accomplish something unknown and probably unaccomplishable. Ethics in our societal interactions and goals are at an all time high these days. Especially if you are an active member of online social media platforms. Sounding off and revealing the heart of intention is so easy and seemingly cheap. But is it? What consequence does it have on our person and the greater society? Are those of us using these platforms present enough to see the latent anger, sadness or fear embedded in these brief expressions and exchanges? Case in point: look at our world leaders these days.

Let me ask you this. When was the last time you sat down and wrote some one a letter — with a pen or pencil? Were you raised by your family and friends to practice and understand this act with relative ease? Is this act given any sense of urgency within the spectrum of your daily or weekly life? Or has your life been dictated by perimeters set by another whose choices are/were misguided by someone else around you? Believe it or not, it’s an easy enough mistake to make - to relinquish true agency. Stop. Think before you act. Is what you’re about to do necessary to your well being? Or is it expected of you by someone who wants or wishes for something contrary or divergent to your own intention? All too often we fall back on the intentions of others around us, thinking that accomplishing or fulfilling their intention will somehow lead to fulfillment of our own. It’s easy, because humans are notorious for setting unrealistic expectations. We are also eager to act. And we are always and forever in need of validation and reassurance. At heart, we are needy creatures — always suckling at the teet of our having, doing and being.

Believe it or not, it is possible to find shared personal intention in social settings — like business or school or even church — but many times the root intention is not based in reality or even a vision of truth that is reasonable. Circling back, again — having a realistic personal intention or expectation is key. Are you even capable of admitting to your limitations? Many are not, because they are forced to accept an unrealistic one by a group they are ‘beholden’ to — physically or emotionally. If the group intention does not jibe with personal intention, than it’s probably best to look elsewhere for social acceptance — in work, in learning or in spirit. These personal intentions don’t all necessarily intersect, but very often we find — in instances where intention is true and based on our limitations as humans living and surviving in the natural world, they do. What a wonderful feeling. To feel like you belong to something greater, something that acknowledges and values the same things you do. These shared truths set us free and bring happiness and ease in our everyday lives and the lives of those around us.

So the next time you go feeling like you don’t belong, instead of contemplating suicide — set a greater intention for yourself. Set up that meeting with your boss to voice your personal concerns — you’re worth it; sit down and quietly and civilly discuss what’s in your heart — good or bad — with your mate, your child, your parent or your friend; raise your hand to speak your truth or your questions in public forums; make an unexpected or unconventional contribution- a gift is, after all, a gift- to your church or spiritual congregation. Do something contrary if necessary, but do it as an act of expression of your truest intention. If you don’t have it and somehow share it, no one else will. Perhaps the people who know, respect, appreciate and love you will follow suit. Keep your agency. If you haven’t found it, than you have no room to complain about anything or any one. Your personal agency is everything. It is, after all, all that we truly have and are capable of sharing as humans. And beside all that, you really do deserve it. ❤